I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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