Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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