Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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