dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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