You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We had to coat check the pizza.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
