Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
