I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
