Your tits are I can't wait for
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
