I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
