How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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