Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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