barbara walters just said penis...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
