haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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