I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
