I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
