dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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