dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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