i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
