4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
