Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
