he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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