My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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