Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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