I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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