woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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