is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
