What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
