you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
