woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
