I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
