So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
