I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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