There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
