Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I want her autograph on my taint
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
