I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
