I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
