They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
