Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
