we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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