Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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