He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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