Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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