i love accidental penises.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
