i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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