Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
