Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
