Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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