Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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