I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
