Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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