I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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