I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
