i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
wow bdsm is so cute
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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