Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
