they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
