I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
