i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
