My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
