I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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