I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
