I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
