your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
