That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
